A Different Sort Of Sexual Lifestyle

For the first time in ages, Greg approached the house wondering
what he would find inside. Normally he would have stopped for a
beer or two before coming home. Once at home, he’d find some
disaster that required his attention. It was his hope that this time
would be different. He shifted the flowers to his left hand so that
he could open the door with his right. He felt a little stupid
carrying the bouquet of flowers.

Sharon was waiting by the door for Greg to arrive. She hoped that
he wouldn’t stop by the sports bar for a drink, but she was afraid
that old habits died hard. It wasn’t the last time she wondered why
he would go along with her scheme. The one ray of hope was that
he had such a good time at the Green’s house.

Holding his breath, he opened the door and stepped inside. Seeing
Sharon at the door, he was stunned. She was wearing a very
attractive dress. He knew that it had to be new. He smiled feeling
uncertain and then held out the flowers. In a quiet voice, he said,
“Hello, Sharon.”

“Flowers!” She stared at the flowers unable to believe that he had
actually brought flowers for her. In a flash, she knew that her plan
was working better than expected. Excited, she hugged and kissed
him. She pulled back and smelled them. She said, “I can’t believe
you bought flowers. They’re so pretty! Thank you, thank you,
thank you!”

That stupid feeling he had while walking up to the house carrying
the flowers quickly evaporated upon seeing her reaction. She took
the flowers from him and raced off to put them in a vase. As she
ran, she called, “I’ll meet you on the patio.”

On the way to the patio, he stopped by the bedroom and put on a
sports coat. They had agreed that until he had a chance to go
shopping for a new suit that he would wear a sport coat. After
adjusting the jacket, he headed towards the patio.

The kids were waiting for him. Cathy was wearing a dress and
Harry was wearing a nice pair of pants and a regular shirt.
Wondering what kind of reaction he would get, he said, “Hello
Cathy. Hello Harry.”

“Hello, dad,” Cathy answered with a smile.

Still not convinced that his parents were going to do what they had
discussed, Harry said, “Hello, dad.”

Walking over to the little table Sharon had set up, he asked,
“Would you care for a drink?”

“Yes, please.”

“Yes, please.”

Greg fixed a drink for himself, a wine for Sharon, and the two
wine spritzers for the kids. They hadn’t gotten a tray, so he carried
the drinks over to the kids. When he handed one to Cathy, she said,
“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Thank you,” Harry said when Greg handed him his drink.

“You’re welcome.”

Even as Greg was giving his reply to Harry, Sharon entered the
patio. Greg fetched her drink and handed it to her. She smiled and
said, “Thank you and thank you for the flowers.”

“You’re welcome and you’re welcome,” Greg said with a smile.

The two kids were looking at each other. Cathy couldn’t believe
that her father had brought flowers home for her mother. Harry
was still trying to get over the fact that his father had just handed
him a drink. Finally Harry said, “I didn’t believe you would
actually do it.”

“Do what?” Greg asked.

“Give us drinks.”

Greg raised his glass and said, “To the future, may it be bright.”

Everyone raised their glasses. Harry took a sip of his drink and
considered the flavor. After a minute, he decided that the drink
itself was no big deal. The big deal was getting the drink. He said,
“Thank you, dad.”

“You’re welcome. What did I do?”

“You kept your promise. I appreciate it,” Harry answered.

“It was my pleasure,” Greg said. He glanced over at Sharon and
saw the expression of approval on her face. He asked, “How was
school?”

Harry caught himself before shrugging his shoulders. He frowned
for a moment as he thought about how to answer the question.
School was something that he attended and did his best to survive.
He complained about it to his friends, but it was a shared
complaint. He answered, “That’s one of those questions that I
really don’t know how to answer. I guess if I really had to answer
it, I’d say it was pretty boring. How was work?”

“Pretty boring,” Greg replied with a smile. He took a sip of his
drink and then said, “I guess that some activities really aren’t that
great a topic of conversation. You live in some environment for
most of the day, but it is so removed from what everyone else is
doing that it is hard to describe it to them.”

“I guess so. I hadn’t thought about it,” Harry said while he thought
about it.

Greg turned to Sharon and put his hand on hers. Her dress had a
slit along the side that showed off her legs. The top was low cut,
but tasteful. He said, “With all the excitement at the door, I didn’t
get a chance to tell you how much I like your dress.”

“Thank you. I managed to make it to the bank during my lunch
break. I took a little longer and stopped at a boutique by the office.
I thought you would like this,” she said clearly flattered by the
compliment. She crossed her legs so that the slit opened a little
wider.

“It is very lovely,” Greg said while watching Sharon shift so that
more of her legs were shown off.

It was a thrill to see that his eyes were locked on her legs. She
blushed slightly. Her reaction was so unexpected that she was left
wondering what had caused it. It seemed ridiculous that she was
blushing because her husband was looking at her legs. The thought
that she should buy some thigh high stockings crossed her mind.
The idea of it brought a smile to her face.

Watching the interaction between her parents, Cathy couldn’t
believe that her mother was flirting with her father. Her father’s
reaction was even more interesting. He actually looked interested.
In a way, she found it romantic. It was like Mr. and Mrs. Green.

He asked, “How was work?”

“Oh, it was okay. Nothing too interesting happened,” she
answered. It was an informal job that didn’t require her to dress up
for work, a fact that she had appreciated for a long time.

Harry asked, “What do you do anyway?”

“I’m a claims adjuster for an insurance company,” she answered. It
was a part-time job at a relatively small company and didn’t pay
much. The hours were flexible and the dress code was lax, so it
was convenient. She had gotten it to help fill the hours when the
kids were off at school, but the extra money did help a little.

“I know that, but what do you do?”

“When someone files a claim, I read it over and determine how
much we are supposed to pay,” she said. She decided to give a
little more detail. “I read the reason for the claim. If we cover it, I
double check the amount of the charges against the allowed
amounts for the procedures. I check for limits, deductions, and
then calculate the amount we’ll pay based on those things.”

“That does sound boring,” Cathy said.

“Not always. Sometimes you get claims that are really funny.
People do some of the stupidest things you can imagine,” she said.
She took a sip of her glass of wine and tried to recall one of the
funnier episodes. Smiling, she said, “We had a three hundred
pound guy who was checking his hemorrhoids in the mirror of his
dresser. He had climbed up onto it so that the proper part of his
body was visible in the mirror. The dresser collapsed and he broke
his arm.”

The kids broke out laughing at the image of some guy bent over
atop a dresser. Harry said, “That’s one guy who is short a few
cards in his deck.”

Smiling, Greg said, “We all do stupid things on occasion. We get
so caught up in what we are doing that common sense flies out the
window.”

Looking around, Sharon said, “Oh, I forgot the snacks. Excuse me
while I get them.”

“Go ahead,” Greg said. He watched his wife walk to the door. The
dress showed off her body quite well. He wondered when he had
stopped noticing her. Somehow, over the years, she had become a
shape to which he had talked and a voice that he did his best to
ignore. It was like he was seeing her for the first time. He liked
what he was seeing.

“Earth to dad,” Harry said.

“What?”

“You were like totally into mom. Are you feeling okay?” Cathy
was stunned by the expression on her father’s face. That look was
quite common at school when guys checked out the asses on girls
walking down the hallway. Most of the time, that look wasn’t
appreciated. Of course, there were occasions when that look was
much appreciated.

“Actually, I’m feeling better than I’ve felt in a long time. I feel
relaxed and happy to be at home. How about you two?”

“I guess,” Harry answered. He looked at the drink in his hand and
realized that most of it was still left. He took a sip and said, “It’s a
lot different than most days.”

Cathy wondered if it was going to last. She said, “I’m fine.”

“The weather is going to be warm enough to start using the pool
again. We’re getting a service to take care of it,” Harry said
pointing to the pool. The tarp still covered it and it sagged in the
middle from a puddle of rain water.

“Oh, that’ll be great,” Cathy said. Last summer her father only
treated the pool on occasion and half the time the water was dirty
or it was over chlorinated. Maybe this year the pool would be
usable every day.

Although the pool was supposedly purchased for the enjoyment of
the family, it was really little more than a status symbol. It meant a
lot of work for Greg and very little enjoyment by the family. He
had grown to hate the pool and resented the time spent on cleaning
it. Greg said, “I wasn’t a good pool boy. Hopefully we’ll get a
good looking one that you and your mother can drool over while
he’s working.”

The unexpected humor from her father caused Cathy to burst out in
a laugh. Harry teased her a little about standing at the window
watching the pool boy. He then went on to describe a pool boy that
sounded more like a guy that operated a jackhammer.

While they were teasing each other, Sharon came out with a tray of
mini-tacos that she had heated in the microwave oven. Curious
about what brought on the laughter, she asked, “What’s so funny?”

“We were just talking about you and Cathy drooling over the pool
boy,” Harry said. He said, “I told Cathy that Dad was going to hire
some guy with a beer belly and a butt crack the size of the Grand
Canyon.”

Smiling at the good natured teasing, Sharon said, “That’s okay. I
called the Bromhilde Maid Service. Their motto is, `French maids?
We eat French Maids for breakfast. Our maids are guaranteed
ugly.’ I asked for their ugliest maid.”

Nodding his head in agreement, Greg said, “I’m sure that she will
have moles on her face and a really big butt.”

While Sharon held out the tray, everyone helped themselves to the
mini-tacos. It was a simple act, but was accompanied by thank
yous and you’re welcomes. Greg appreciated being served first and
the fact that he noticed surprised him. He realized that for a long
time he had been treated as an outsider to the family. He ate his
tacos deep in thought.

Sharon put a hand on his and said, “A penny for your thoughts.”

“I was just thinking that when I wasn’t acting like the maintenance
man, I’ve been an outsider to the family,” Greg answered.

“You? I’ve felt like labor,” Sharon said. Her voice was a little
harsher than she intended.

“It’s been no fun being a kid in this house. There have been times
that I’ve wondered why you even had us,” Harry said.

Turning to Cathy, Greg asked, “What about you?”

“I agree with him,” she said pointing to her brother with her
thumb. It seemed to her that they were there to be bossed around.

“So I take it life has pretty much sucked for all of us,” Greg said
feeling guilty that he and Sharon had allowed that to happen.

“It’s not my fault,” Sharon said. Tears were forming in her eyes.
She felt as if she had somehow failed as a mother and a wife.

“I didn’t say it was,” Greg said with a sigh. He had been too busy
with work, the yard, the pool, the bills, and his own problems to do
much to pay much attention to the family. When he asked Harry to
help with the yard, the boy was sullen and unwilling to work. His
wife had been busy with her work, taking care of the kids, and the
house to spend time with the family. When she asked Cathy for
help, the girl would do a shoddy job with lots of complaining. It
was understandable that the kids would react that way. They were
busy with school and the problems of growing up. They would turn
to the parents hoping for advice, but getting errands to do instead.
They resented that. With no one having time for anyone else, they
each felt alone and isolated. He said, “We all are responsible for it.
We’ve each been pursuing our own goals without supporting each
other in their goals.”

No one said anything for a long time. It was as though the subject
had opened some wounds that everyone had been ignoring. No one
wanted salt rubbed into their wound, so no one said anything that
would invite harsh words. They drank their drinks and ate mini-
tacos.

Finally, Sharon stood up and said, “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll
prepare dinner. It should be ready in about fifteen minutes.”

“That is fine,” Greg said. He watched his wife walk away.

“You really like looking at mom,” Cathy said.

“I find it hard to believe that it is her at times,” Greg said. Shaking
his head, he said, “It’s hard to believe what a minor change in
clothes can do.”

After a few minutes, Cathy said, “Maybe she could use a little help
preparing dinner. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go help her.”

Stunned, Greg almost didn’t reply. Finally, he said, “I’m sure she’d
appreciate it.”

He watched his daughter go into the house wondering what had
brought about the change in her. Harry was just as surprised and
said, “I can’t believe it.”

Cathy went to the kitchen and watched her mother prepare the
spaghetti. After her mother put the pot on the stove, she said,
“You’ve got to get new underwear.”

Startled, Sharon turned around and looked at her daughter. Curious
about what prompted the comment, she asked, “Why?”

“The way that dad was checking out your ass, you are going to
have to do something about those panty lines,” Cathy said.

There were just too many messages in that answer for Sharon to
process it all. Greg was checking out her ass? She had panty lines?
Her daughter was giving her fashion advice? She opened her
mouth to say something, but no words came out.

Cathy said, “If you want, we could go to a lingerie place tomorrow
after school.”

“Uh, okay,” Sharon said as the conversation just got stranger. Her
daughter wanted to go shopping for clothes with her? Shaking her
head to clear it, she latched onto the most important item. She
managed to ask, “He was checking out my ass?”

“Big time,” Cathy answered looking in the direction of the patio.
She added, “It’s kind of weird seeing your own dad doing that with
your own mother, if you know what I mean.”

“Wow,” Sharon said ignoring the comment about it being weird.
She couldn’t believe how much it thrilled her to know that he was
looking at her.

“You’re getting into it, aren’t you?” Cathy asked in surprise.

Blushing slightly, Sharon answered, “I think so.”

Looking around the kitchen, Cathy asked, “Do you need some help
with the salad?”

“Thank you, that would be great,” Sharon said. The two women
turned to prepare dinner working side by side in the kitchen.

Outside, Harry said, “Mom was really enjoying it when you held
her hand.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was like she really lit up each time you took her hand.”

Greg was silent for a minute and then said, “She really looked nice
tonight.”

“It’s a lot different than the tee shirt and those horrible pants she
usually wears. I’d be embarrassed, but all the other moms wear
them,” Harry said. Shaking his head, he asked, “Do all women
start dressing like that when they get married?”

“I don’t know,” Greg said with a sigh. He looked over at Harry and
realized that he didn’t know if his son had a girlfriend. He asked,
“Are you going out with a girl?”

“No.”

“Why not? You’re a good looking young man. Girls should be
throwing themselves at you,” Greg said. He was going to add that
he was a chip off the old block, but remembered that the girls
hadn’t thrown themselves at him when he was Harry’s age.

“Right,” Harry answered.

“I bet you’re too shy to ask a girl out,” Greg said.

Feeling defensive, Harry asked, “Why do you say that?”

“I was that way. I’d see a girl and my brain would stop working.
My tongue would swell up and I couldn’t talk.”

“So what did you do?”

“Basically, I looked stupid,” Greg answered with a smile.

“Great. That’s what I wanted to hear.”

Greg said, “Actually, I discovered that it was a whole lot easier
than I thought it was. Once I figured that out, I had a lot more luck
with asking girls out.”

“What did you discover?” Harry asked sitting up and paying
attention.

“Oh, I found that if I talked to the girl for a few minutes before
asking her out that she was more likely to say yes.”

“With your brain not working and your tongue all swollen?”

“Well, I memorized a really great pickup line,” Greg said and sat
back in his chair.

After five seconds, Harry asked, “What?”

“Well, I’d select a girl who I knew and liked. I would go up to her
and tell her hello. If she answered, I’d say that I thought she was
nice, smart, and attractive. Of course, the order was important.
Nothing bothers a woman more than being told that she’s a babe.
Makes you sound like you just want to take her to bed. You can’t
start with smart because she tunes you out while thinking about
how no one who is cool wants a smart girl. You start with nice.
She thinks about you thinking she’s nice. That’s good.”

Harry laughed and said, “Then you say that you wish it was
possible to get to know her better.”

“No. You don’t say that. It sounds like you want to take her to bed.
Instead, you talk about how great it is to hang out with nice people.
Then you ask her if she would like to go somewhere with you
where you can talk in more pleasant surroundings.”

Frowning, Harry didn’t think that would work. He asked, “What if
she says something nasty?”

“Then you excuse yourself and tell her that you must have been
mistaken about her being nice,” Greg said.

“That’s cold.”

“No colder than insulting someone who just wants to do something
socially nice with her,” Greg countered.

“What if she just laughs?”

“It depends on how she’s laughing. Sometimes, they get all
nervous and laugh because they don’t know what else will do. If it
is mean laughter, then you say what I told you earlier.”

“So if she’s nervous?”

“Well, you try to make her comfortable. You let her know that
she’ll have a great time with you. After all, you already made her
laugh.”

Harry laughed and said, “That’s good one.”

After being insulted, the worst result was a no on the part of the
girl. The fear of hearing a no was what kept Harry from asking
girls out. Frowning, he asked, “What if she says no?”

“Well, you thank her for her time and let her know that if she
changes her mind to keep you in mind.”

“It would really be horrible for a girl to say no. I’d be embarrassed
to death,” Harry said.

“Well, if you do what I said you turn it into a tie. Sure, you’ll feel
bad at first, but she’s going to remember you for a long time. She’s
going to remember you in a good way,” Harry said.

“Why?”

“Do you think it is easy turning down someone? She’s probably
afraid that you’re going to go crazy on her,” Greg said, “You never
know. She just might give you a counter offer such as meeting her
and her friends somewhere.”

“Oh, I didn’t think of that.”

“If she says yes, then you ask her when would be a good time for
you and her to get together.”

“Wait a minute. Wouldn’t I have told her earlier when I asked
about getting together?”

“No. That was just to get her to agree. If you asked about Friday
night, she might have something going on Friday night with her
parents and she’d have to answer no. That doesn’t do you any
good.”

“I didn’t think about that,” Harry said. Wrinkling his face, he
asked, “How do you know this stuff?”

“I only had a chance to try it three times. The first time, I ended up
with a girlfriend for a year. The second time, I ended up with a girl
friend for six months. The third time, I ended up marrying the
woman I used it on,” Greg answered.