I began the walk home, dreading it. It is so far,
through the darkened heart of the campus, all deserted
during this holiday weekend. I trudged under the
arches, a brief glimmering smile at their legend, and
tucked my head against the whipping wind.
My mind drifted, stopping on this, pausing on that. It
was all a hazy dream, thinking of my bed, which was
calling out to me from the distance. Thinking of how
the day had been, of work and my classes and my parents
and friends. And yet, thinking of nothing. My mind
already traversed the realms that lay ahead. I was
asleep on my feet, depending on instinct to guide me
home.
The harsh braying of the bell sharply woke me from my
woolgathering. It’s dull clanging penetrated the still
night air. I was surprised that someone else was awake
at this time of night. Someone with the drive to ring
the bell. I shrugged, paused in my steps, then resumed,
quickening the pace. Probably some drunk frat boys, I
mumbled to myself.
Then I heard the crunch of a footstep on gravel, but
couldn’t see anyone. Taking a deep breath, not breaking
my stride, I ignored it. Fear works only when you are
alone…
As I passed the law building complex, I became aware of
several people hanging around the steps that reached
down to street level. As I neared it, I could smell the
alcohol. They were reeking of it. I tucked my coat
around myself, trying to hide myself, quickening my
steps. Then they became aware of me. I didn’t realize
it at that time but I couldn’t get past them without
being accosted, until it was too late.
‘Hey!’ the closest one said, wittily. If you could slur
a ‘Hey’, he did.
I kept up a steady pace hoping to get past them,
crowding towards the further edge of the sidewalk.
‘I said ‘Hey!’ he snarled angrily, the intoxication
welling in his voice.
There were maybe four others, some holding bottles,
sitting on the steps, in the shadows. The ground
contained several bottles, mostly empty, some broken.
What a strange place to drink, I thought to myself, but
I was promptly jarred out of my musings when the
foremost guy, who had spoken, grabbed my arm as I tried
to pass them.
Panicking, I tried to pull away from him but couldn’t
loosen his increasingly firm grip on my upper arm. I
looked at him closely for the first time. He was big. I
dug the fingernails of my free hand into his wrist. He
grunted, dropped the bottle he had and slapped my face
with the back of his hand. I was flung to the ground,
dazed, reeling from the blow – my face was numb from
the sudden force applied to my cold cheek.
‘Bitch!’ I he screamed. Me eyes were closed, I was
cringing on the ground. Then I felt hands grab my upper
arms, and as I re-opened my eyes I was hauled to my
feet.
He had a hand gripping each arm. I was limp, still
dazed and he tossed me to two of his friends. They
caught me, twisting my arms behind me. I opened my
mouth, a small protest escaping my lips.
‘Shut up!’ he commanded, backhanding me harder than the
first time. I was held up, my legs completely going
limp, my body becoming limp with the shock.
They pulled me across the street into the darkness,
where the street lights didn’t reach, I tried to scream
for help but someone from behind me grabbed a fistful
of my hair and a hand clamped down over my mouth.
Someone else grabbed my legs, holding them firmly
together. All of this registered in a instant and I
realized that I was about to be raped, or killed.
The big one who looked like a wrestler with wide
shoulders and a muscular body was there in my face
again, I could smell him, hear his harsh breathing,
sense him through half-closed eyes.
He grabbed my skirt, savagely tearing it as he ripped
it off of me. Panties went just as quick, a little more
painfully, and then I was open to him.
Tears sprang to my eyes. I couldn’t twist or move. I
tried to open my mouth but there were no words. I
gurgled in my throat, shut my eyes tightly in more fear
than I had ever imagines before, and heard the
unmistakable sound of a zipper.
Fingertips ran through my pubic hair, pulling cruelly.
I gasped, tried to move my hips, turn away, but they
pried my legs open.
Panicking. Escape! Help! tears and more tears. How
could this be happening to me?
Then he entered me. I felt his warm flesh against mine
and his fingers fumbling down between us. I gasped,
tears rolling down my cheeks, feeling his breath upon
my neck, smelling the awful gut-wrenching smell of
beer, being crushed by his chest. Then the thrust that
I’d only imagined before in my girlish fantasies, only
now it hurt and made me gasp in pain at his violation
of me.
Biting into my neck, fingers gripping my hair
painfully, groping at my breasts with his other hand
and all the time the pumping in and out of me, pulsing,
I felt my body being violated, intruded again and
again. As I felt this strange man inside of me, smelled
his sweat, heard him grunting with each thrust.
I wondering at the terror I was feeling. Why oh why me?
What had I done to deserve this? When would I be free
of him, of his breath, that foul breath the smell, the
stench, the groping, the painful thrusts, tears rolled
down my face, the teeth, the hands… oh!
He hits me again. This man’s dick is inside me, in out,
in out, driving me insane, please! don’t! Help! Oh god!
What did I do? Why me? Oh would the pain ever stop? I
was ashamed, humiliated. No, no, please why won’t he
stop?
He was on top of me now and I could feel my backside
being pounded into the rough gravel and my legs being
scrapped repeatedly against the rough ground as he used
me.
Then I felt his body tense and heard him groan, and
though I had been a virgin until this moment I
instinctively knew that he’d reached his climax and was
pumping his unwanted sperm deep into me.
Then he was rising, pulling out of my soar slit,
removing his weight from my body and I felt the instant
relief from the pressure of being forced repeatedly
into the rough ground and sharp stones.
I lay there, spread open for all of them to see, in
shock and pain, wishing that I was dead, when he stood,
his softening appendage shrinking in the cold night
air. I looked up at him pleadingly.
I felt like I was bleeding between my legs and groaned
as I felt his touch on my arm. I was in pain and I was
cold and I didn’t think that I could take any more.
Then he was pulling me to my feet.
I stood unsteadily, feeling fluid running down my inner
thighs, not knowing it was his sperm or my blood, but
too afraid to look.
The he said, ‘That’s rape, real rape. It’s what you
wanted.’
Nodding yes, I wanted it, I knew that and he knew it
and his friends knew it. The pain and the violation,
the cold and the rough dirty ground, the humiliation of
being almost naked in front of a group of guys while my
body was being used for the pleasure of my attacker and
there is nothing I can do to stop it.
***
I wake up later. I’m at home. Tears well up, I remember
the smell. Fear strikes deep into my soul.
But it’s not real.
On the couch with him, wrapped in a blanket him holding
me. ‘Was that enough?’ he is asking.
‘More than enough,’ I reply, still shaking. Wondering
why I’d wanted it, what it was about me that made me do
things… things that no other girl would ever even
think of…
‘It was only a fantasy,’ he says.
‘Yes, I know,’ I reply. ‘Mine.’ I had wanted it. I had
asked him for it. and he had done it for me. With his
friends. I hadn’t known it would be like that… Not
really, how could I have?
‘Was it what you expected?’ he was asking.
‘Yes, but different, so…’ My voice trails off.
Shivering, holding onto him crying more tears. Endless
tears. ‘Thank you,’ I finally said in between gasps and
snivels.
He kisses me, holding me. ‘I love you,’ he says.
‘I love you too,’ I reply, weakly, drifting in and out.
My god, the whole event began replaying in my head
again. It would never go away, never. The groping, the
thrusting, the pain and humiliation, the crying of
fearful tears. I never be the same. The smell… the
awful smell… How could I remain with my boyfriend
after this?
I think I’m going to be sick.